A day on the blog.
It feels so good to be writing once again!
The breaks between my posts are sometimes quite long, but they all happen when they do for a reason! I feel very blessed for the little blessings that come with even writing a simple sentence. Being able to move my fingers...having an active mind...being able to have eyes that see...being able to read...having thoughts...having an brain that works...being able to sit up...all of it it wonderful! So there's my schpill on just being ABLE to write.
I have had SOOOOO many huge, amazing, beautiful, crazy things happen in my life in the last while! Some of them may not seem huge to others, but they are to me. And some of them are things that are happening to all of you! All I can say? Chad and I are so blessed to have friends and family so close to us and that we love ever so much. I'm happy to be a new addition to the Johnson Family, and that Chad is officially apart of the Best Clan as well. We both have brilliant, phenomenal friends and we count ourselves lucky to have grown up where we did. Chad and I both agree that we had THE greatest friends in high school-the type that will never go away. How blessed we are!
There is so much love in my heart right now. I could just burst! Love for my sweet, dear husband, love for my family, love for the gospel that gives me such hope, love of the scriptures, love of a nice, warm bed, love of music, love of passion, love of the future. I consider myself one lucky chick. :)
Sometimes I have out of body experiences....ha ha, Chad calls me crazy when I try and explain them. Mostly, he just lifts his eyebrow and says, "Yes, Hunny". :) But bless his heart, I do! I remember specific moments in time where the whole world seems to fall away, and the veil gets very thin...and I literally feel that I have been placed on this earth...to be tried and tested. My body seems to leave me and it's just my spirit, and I remember why I choose to come here. It keeps my spirit in check. :)
After having some discussions with my hubbie and family in my past, I realize that little and big things played such a role in my childhood that now drastically effect who I am now. For instance, some of you who know me really well, or maybe not even at all, may notice I have moments where I am very quite and step back. This is what I call my "shy" self. I'm not extremely outspoken generally. But there are definitely flashes where I WILL put in my 2 bits...'nough said. ;)
I know that I'm kinda quite sometimes. In certain surroundings, I definitely turn inward. And truthfully? I have some anxiety. There are some situations where my mind and self literally hurt from the pain of not being able to make my mouth move and talk. Let's be honest. Sometimes? I'm so super socially awkward. I have so much to say...but I guess I get afraid or something. I believe it's probably from times of people not listen to me or ignoring what I said. It happens. When I was young, I would sometimes be afraid to talk.
When I got discouraged from being this way when I was little, know what my haven was? Time with my dearest family where I was always myself, and time with Ben, Brad, Holly, Spenc, and William. They were my escape. I could break free from my insecurity as a kid and be myself, plus anything I wanted to be with them. All my dreams of running around the trees like a squirrel were fulfilled when we would play animals. I felt like a shining star when we would make up musicals on the street and would create music videos. I could go anywhere I created...and bring my friends with me. I read Harry Potter and felt like I was apart of the wizarding world and that I was accepted there and they liked me. Neville would have been my best friend. All of them would have been.
My other joys came from, like mentioned above, time with my family. Family vacations were wondrous for me. Traveling to the ocean and feeling the waves on my feet was magical. Seeing glaciers on majestic mountains in Montana thrilled me. Wearing a bright pink hoodie while camping with my siblings was lovely. Yes, us siblings definitely had ups and downs, but mostly...I just felt love. My mom and dad would come in at night and sing me songs to put me to sleep. And to this day they are some of my most favoritist voices in the world for this reason. They brought peace to my troubled heart.
I was pretty shy in seasons of my life. When I switched schools....when I had to make new friends....when I switched wards. But let me say this. All in all, the right people have come in and out of my life for a reason. They did something that made the ticks tock in my little mind. Eventually, certain people brought out the best in me. :) And suddenly... I saw more of who I was.
I definitely have my moments where I am SUPER crazy and outgoing, and certain people bring that out in me. These are my angels. Because they help me see what's really underneath and inside. I actually LOVE to laugh super super hard-especially with family and my dearest husband.
I know my thoughts are everywhere, but this post is more for myself. Sometimes, you just gotta write and write and write....
With all the craziness and static of fighting against my anxiety in my past and what creeps up today, I am still so super happy with me. Just me. I sat one day and really thought about something that changed my way of thinking. Heavenly Father's view of me. Guess what? Being a quite person isn't BAD. It doesn't mean you're a bad person. For some reason, I got that idea in my head that it was when I was little. Being quite is just a personality trait. Not a mistake. Not something that has to change about you.
Being crazy is great. Being happy and outgoing isn't bad. And being someone who is both quite and outgoing, depending on the moment/situation is not BAD. There isn't a book, or site, or manual ANYWHERE that says that being both is bad. It doesn't exist. Really.
So, I am happy to be a mixture of colors. A mixture of up and down, light and heavy, pale and dark, swirly and straight, left and right, rain and sun.
I love me.
Sometimes, I feel either at school or other places people don't see me for who I really am. They don't see the big picture like I know others in my life do. There's so much more to me then what I think some people see of me. I'm sure we've all felt that way in some part of our life. And really? That makes me kinda sad.
The ones who matter most and are my rocks DO know. They see everything. Even the ugly. ;) I have come to realize that the ones who you care about the most and care about you the most right back are the ones who have taken the time to see the picture. See my picture...and their picture...and why our pictures have decided to take a same stroke of paint.
Yes, I may be small. I may be quite. I may laugh funny. I may run weird. I may not like scrambled eggs very much. I may not live a perfect life.
But I am fierce. I am special. I am unique. I am smart. I am important. I am loved. I love.
Life is good. Oh, so good. So why would I waste my time trying to be somebody else? :)
I'll stick with being me.
And I might as well add some pictures that made me smile today. ;)
|When we were wee ones!|
|The Love of my Life|