There has been a lot of neglect the past few months when it comes to this blog. To be honest, this girl over here on the other side of the screen has been having a writer's block. Even my journals haven't seen strokes of the pen for awhile. It's very much not like me. However, life has been a bit of a....challenge?...I guess you could say, and so my writing heart kinda shut down without my permission. I simply had too much bottled inside to let it all out. But now...the cork has come off. And some sharing must spill onto the page.
Here's an honest truth that must be said. EVERY SINGLE HUMAN out there has challenges. Ha-I know, hard to believe, right? No, but seriously. I know we "know" that, but do we really believe it? Or have you fallen captive, like I have before, in looking at a certain person/family and thinking "Wow, they may have a few little bumps in their road, but in all, they are so put together! They do it all!". Ya. I know every one has challenges, yes. But I have had moments where I still look at someone and don't see all that is underneath. Which, we all know...the underneath stuff is rich, and full of life.
There is so much left in the unknown in this cosmos of a "world". Have you ever looked at someone you know, then found something out, and totally been blown away with what has happened or is currently happening in their life? Well, that's happened to me! I have had NO IDEA a lot of times. And it's kind of amazing. What's amazing? People. Every time a little thread unravels itself to me about something or someone, I am just over taken with awe, because somehow...we are all still standing! We are all still pushing a long and trying our best to smell the roses along the way.
Now, I have been on the other end. Being the one with lots of stuff happening under the surface, or unseen from the public eye. And that can be a crazy place to be. Am I right? Some things I've struggled with may seem little...and maybe big, based upon who's wondering. But I have my heartaches, just like everyone else. Things like dealing with change...being misjudged...sleep deprivation...relationship problems...my body changing after having a baby (wait...I'm never gonna have that "high school girl" body again? ;))...anxiety...pride...lack of faith...I have fallen victim to all these. And in the last few months, quite a few, if not all of these have happened at once. Kinda overwhelming for me little self. I fell into the trap I have found before where I ask myself, "Am I a good person? Do the people who were once apart of my everyday life and feelings and breathes even know I exist anymore? I felt so good about life and myself and like I was on top of the world...but now I almost feel completely opposite".
And he had me right where he wanted me. He had me twisted in his evil lies and corrupt thoughts. I swirled around in negativity and guilt and he laughed in my face at the pain I felt.
Well, like all stories, there are good endings. :) No, I don't mean the one where I drive away in a chariot into the sunset and life is perfect. I mean the real endings. The ones where I get back on my feet and keep going on the journey before me. This is happening for me.
As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I believe that a loving Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ is constantly watching out for me. They don't take breaks. They don't say, "Alright, good game. We'll be back next Thursday". They're the 24/7 kind that know exactly when I decide to think less of myself, compare myself to others, and forget that they care. So, of course, they knew exactly what I was hurting myself over. And, like always, they send the best medicine that gives the perfect remedy.
Some remedies are small, and some are big. I had all kinds flying my way. First and always, my husband is always thrown in to save me. His kind, encouraging words are always given at the perfect time. He constantly reminds me of my beauty, inside and out and that his love never runs dry. Even when I've gotten down on my post-pregnant body, he has always been there to hear me, but build me back up on my image. It's nice having eyes that see your body has perfect every moment of the day and night. :)
I then had a leader and friend from my young women's days approach me a few weeks ago. Ah, sweet friend of mine. :) She came up to me where our paths crossed and told me she read my blog...and just filled my whole heart up. All the cracks were fixed with her kind and healing words. Here, I didn't feel forgotten anymore, like I had before. She built me up, as her usual self does, and gave her love freely. If you're reading this, dear friend, I thank you again for taking the time to be an answer to my heartfelt prayers.
Next, life changes came quickly. Sometimes the Lord moves you (this case, literally) to give you a new perspective on relationships and those who are apart of your life. I'm still not perfect, but I've had the change I've needed to to heal some damage and enjoy all those who are contributing to me and my family.
It wouldn't be right to not mention my family as part of my healing process. My mother, blessed angel that she is, has listened to hours and hours of babbling on and wiped every tear. She's always been that way, but especially in the last few months, I have felt an over abundance of love. And the rest of my family has supported me as well and gave me the comfort of their faces and hearts, like they always have since I was little.
Then, there's my precious Charlotte. Oh, my patient, loving Charlotte. My girl never judges me. Loves me no matter what the weather or inward battle I'm facing. She always greets me with a smile, and holds me when I need her arms more than she needs mine. She often whispers with her beautiful face, "maybe you don't feel like a perfect mother, mom. But you are the perfect mommy for me". She is such a gift and my inspiration. I want nothing more than to be someone Charlotte will look up to. So, I will do my best to be that mom she deserves and always give her kisses, even when her cheeks are raw from them. :)
And of course, my loving Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. They never cease to give out continual patience with my faults and weaknesses. I may be a stubborn girl, but they wait for me with love, to realize, time and time again, that they are always the answer. Their love is never-ending and eternal. They are there to help me in my hours of grief. They prompt me to do what is right, help me fix my problems and give me buckets of love to calm my troubled self.
It wouldn't be right to go on and not testify that Jesus truly is the Christ. Not just a mere minister of good that once lived on the earth, but the Prince of Peace and Son of God, who was sent to die for my sins. He indeed rose from the dead and rose again, as the resurrected Christ. I know all of this to be true. He is my Savior. Through all of the things I have gone through and continue to go through, He has ALWAYS been there.
This is quite the novel, but it's more for myself than anything else. For whoever may read this, know that you also are not alone in your struggles and pain. I know it can be very difficult...but know that you are never alone. You need not feel ashamed or embarrassed or hurt. Only feel that your Savior is there to comfort you as well. You really do matter and are remembered and cherished. Your body is beautiful. Your family loves you. Your soul is precious above anything and you are loved. Never forget these things.
I'm still not perfect. I still have my rough edges and hard days from time to time. But I am continually progressing, learning, and getting one step closer to who I can become.
All my love,