Hard Day

I believe in writing from the heart, 
which can sometimes lead to talking about the side that isn't pretty.

The bad days. 

They can be nasty little things. 
The days that you want to give up.
Throw in the towel.
Go and cry by yourself.
Buy a plane ticket and go to Hawaii.

I think we all deserve days to feel human
and imperfect. 
Sometimes you just gotta cry.
But the most important thing is getting back up on your feet.
Looking up. Being positive. And knowing everything?
Is gonna be okay.

Last night started my cycle of "bad day" syndrome. 
It's not a fun place to be, feeling like that. 
I felt pretty blue. 
And my poor husband had to listen to the venting
at the end of his long, hard day. 

What a champ. 

I've been adjusting to motherhood, lately. Man, it is such a transition, to say the least. Now when I say motherhood, this puts no sadness whatsoever over having Charlotte. Charlotte is my ENTIRE universe and she brings me the greatest joy imaginable. So none of this bad day stuff comes from my sweet girl. I love her forever and she is worth every tear, drip of sweat and baggy eyes. She is my angel girl and I am hers. :)

I'm just talking about the transition of becoming a mother. Motherhood? It's tough. I have been feeling all under the weather for the changes that have come. All us mothers know what those are. 

You're on the sleeping schedule of your baby {which I'm lucky to have such a great sleeper!}. Even though my baby sleeps well, I may want to sleep an extra 20 minutes but baby decides when I get out of bed. 

Getting ready? Well, a pony tail and a quick 5 minute face is considered gold metal worthy. I'm lucky to get a shower most days. I think I washed my hair...3 days ago? {Which I've had worse, ha ha}.

My body? Is just different. Now, I'm always so grateful for the body I have. I can walk, run (well, if I really need to, ha ha), see, smell..I have all my limbs and can use my fingers. I'm pretty lucky when it comes to my body. I love my body. And I feel pretty...most of the time. I'm just dealing with the changes having a baby makes to your body. Lots of clothes I have don't fit the same way anymore. There's just personal little things I want to work on to feel good again like I did before baby. Fair enough?

Time. Every minute my mind is on my baby. Which I love spending time with her and taking care of her! It's just that going to the store is no easy 10 minute trip anymore. I can't go to a movie with my hubbie without planning who will watch baby, pumping so Charlotte has a bottle...etc. I give all my time to her and every little nap is precious because I get a few minutes to pull myself together and breath. Time is all for her now.

Motherhood. The hardest job that gives the BEST reward. 

There's nothing like seeing my baby girl smile a big grin. Nothing like having her cuddle up to me and fall asleep. Nothing like watching her learn to hold her head up, follow objects with her eyes, wrap her hand around my finger, learn to eat baby food, play with new toys. Nothing like her smiling when I walk in the room. 

All those things that may seem little?
Make the bad days, like today....

You know what got me through yesterday?
My kids.

Yes, I only have 1 baby at the moment. But I know that our family is just beginning and I know Charlotte and the rest of the little J's are cheering me on and encouraging me everyday. I started writing a journal to my children and future (now) husband when I graduated from high school. I'd write little pick-me ups, traditions I wanted to do with my family, scriptures, dreams, books they should read, etc. I wrote in it like crazy for years-wrote about when I got pregnant with Charlotte...then didn't write again till the day I had her.

Well, I pulled it out yesterday, in my moment of sadness. I looked and saw that Charlotte's birth was the last thing I wrote about. I went to the beginning of the journal and started reading. I was just in awe of the woman writing those entries! She was so positive, SO SPIRITUAL, full of joy and dreams. She was so full of life! At that moment, I couldn't believe I was reading what I had written. Where was that girl?

But as I read, I filled with peace. It was as if this girl was speaking to me. "Remember, this is who you are, Ally. It's right inside of you, still living. You just gotta let it out!" It was as if I wrote this journal to myself; to help the future me when I was feeling low. I also felt my children cheering me on. They helped me last night. It was as if their fingerprints were on the pages of my words.

Then my Savior stepped in.

He knew I had a rough day. He had been watching me all day and saw my pain and tired body ache for a moment of peace. He saw my fears. He saw me want to give up and crawl in bed. And He knew exactly how I felt. He understood me completely without any judgment or hurtful thought.

I felt His love surround me....and I believe we cried together. I wasn't ashamed of my tears. I felt free to let them flow as he caught them for me. And I felt his arms surround me, along with my children.

He healed me last night.
Yes, today was still hard day.
But writing this made me realize
how much He cares about me. 

I feel like He's got my back, 
and giving me tender mercies
through-out the hard moments
to remind me that He's there. 

The Savior can heal you, 
my other fellow mothers-
and any one else out there!

He is always the answer. 
I don't know why it always
takes us so long to go to Him-
But when I do?
I feel like a new person.

Motherhood is hard. But so rewarding, especially when your Savior holds you up along the way. 

Love always, 
Ally J

1 comment:

  1. I feel ya. From the motherhood hardships, to the feeling like what happened to that girl. Thanks for the post! :)